SATURDAY, AUGUST 21st, 2020
 i crave disinterest, light relations, i crave normality. but i also want to repel mankind and to be everything that is resented. it feels just like the day when i slept among cicadas and the sun ended me, when i died in the wake of sun and maggots and i decayed and rotted and disintegrated before i died. i have never in my life felt blood in my veins before that day, and it was the best experience of my life.
 i felt at home, every day i've felt my insides rotting and eating at themselves and my guts freezing. but the sun melted the ice and it boiled my blood back to life and boiled my guts into mush and boiled my brain rotten. but the heart, the water from the melted heart ice made its way up my fucking throat and for that moment i felt, i felt. what was it? love? empathy? death. empathy is a fucking curse but i've never felt more alive, and it was the worst thing i've ever been through.
 "your mother is in heaven now, im so sorry for your loss." "i wanna pick the larvae off my skin like i pick at my lips."
 ❝dear world, i have confusion around me every direction from my brain. i've tried to make it here in this fucking world, but i think it was a mistake that i was ever born. i do not feel guilty about taking my own life. i've tried your ways, i've had a job since i was thirteen years old, making a living was never a real problem for me. the problem was, all i see was misery and darkness. die, die, die. i'll put a gun to my fucking head right now.❞