FRIDAY, JUNE 26th, 2020
 i think it's pathetic how every single aspect of my being is an outcome of some disorder. all these godly chemical fuck ups that assemble me, i never figured out how they make me feel. i do know for a fact that letting them go is not an option, that would be like letting go of vital facets of me that i'm absolutely nothing without. it's fucking terrifying, but i can never ask for better.
 i can't decide if i like being looked at as a whole or as a sum of crucial minor details. whether i want the voyeur to take their time and observe every inch of me with individual interest, or look right through all of that and see an entity, a mass of god, a whole. the latter sounds more appealing but i dont want appealing, i'm drawn to the worst, i want them to be too.