SUNDAY, JUNE 14th, 2020
 i'm not weak, i'm one of the few strongest people i've met in my life. but sometimes i truly fucking envy the people i despise the most, those who flaunt their vulnerability, who make no effort to hide it, those who don't feel the violent physical urge to hide it threatening them of self inflicted harm if they were to ever consider showing it. i wish i could just let go sometimes, but then again, i feel awful letting go with my people let alone with anybody else.
 this sick is going to be the death of me. it scares me just as much as it scares those around me. and as much as i despise him, the image of walking in on your only child miserable on the bathroom floor with a loaded pistol in their hand, blood already pooled up around them while they seem not to care while they try to decide where to point the barrel, i'm not sure how well i would hold up after seeing that. i don't feel bad for him in any way but i do believe it's an intense situation, and i do believe i'm a horrible person.